Monday, December 19, 2011

What if hippies ruled the world?

Just because they are smelly and lazy and often stoned hippies get a pretty bad rap.  I think that is unfair.  Please join me on this psychedelic, mind-expanding, journey through the exciting journey of  What if hippies ruled the world!

It should be known that this is not just theoretical.  If the world were ruled by a hippie oligarchy this is what it would be like.  Just trust me.

First of all there would be no more hand-shaking.  This would be our form of greeting.  Sticking your tongue out would be like when we hug in our universe, and not would be like when we just shake hands.  Lip kissing will stay the same (that is a universal constant, like gravity and the trendy look of flannel.)

Next, this is what the American flag would look like.  Isn't it neat?!  You might think that is because hippies love tie dye, and obviously that is true, but that is not why.  It is because hippies do not understand the night sky and are therefore frightened by stars.  But tie dye is still fun!

Music would be affected dramatically.  

This would count as real music

So would this (I'm not sure what this is, but it counts as music)

Also, Janis Joplin and Jimmy Buffet would be like Tupac and Biggie Smalls in this universe except for they would not kill each other.  Instead they would attempt to contaminate one another's supply of hemp (the cotton of hippies) until they realized that this horrible east-coast/west-coast rivalry was dividing the market for crappy music and so they reconcile and become fantastically wealthy.  Interestingly enough, in both this universe and ours Kanye West can become successful only after this happens (that's right, nothing keeps him down).

Continuing in the vein of music... Music is the currency in this world.  The base for establishing the value of music as currency is one verse of 12 bar blues is worth one ounce of tofu.  Value is not determined by the quality of the music (people like Janis Joplin....quality clearly means nothing).  Rather, value is determined by the length of a song.  A nine hour festival can buy a three bedroom house.  Also, there are no houses, people live in vans, teepees, lean-tos, and kivas.  

Finally, this is a picture of an Olympic gold medalist.  Clearly, the Olympians get a lot of girls.

There is a good chance there will be more to come in this vein, this was really fun to write!

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